He stood up, kissed her, and he made her sit in the place he was sitting in, and sat next to her. What type of love and compassion in the younger age does it take to have such a relationship when your child is older?

Abu Qatadah narrated that “Rasoolullah would pray with the people and he would be carrying Zaynab’s daughter.” Anyone could have carried the child, her mother could have taken care of her, the servants could have carried them, but no; Rasoolullah carried her. What sort of impact would this child have when she grows up and hears a hadeeth of the Prophet commanding her to do something? What sort of relation would your child have with you if you carried her as a child while praying, or had her play in your vicinity as a kid while you prayed, or had her stand right next to you while praying?

Fulfilling a Person:

Umm Khalid, born and raised in Abyssinia, came to Medina for the first time with her parents. They had immigrated while Rasoolulah was still in Mecca, and now Medina secure, they immigrated from Abyssinia to Medina. On the day of their arrival, Rasoolulah greeted them, Umm Khalid recalls, “I was wearing a yellow shirt and Rasoolullah point to me and said, ‘sana, sana.’” These are not Arabic words, they are Abyssinian words, and the prophet chose them to relate to Umm Khalid.

It’s hard to tell whether Rasoolullah was saying that her yellow shirt is gorgeous, or whether she is gorgeous. You can definitely see that Rasoolullah is fulfilling the girl emotionally at a very early age, building her confidence. How often do we give compliments to the people that we deal with? How often do we give our own children compliments?

What is even more captivating is what to be followed. Umm Khalid was playing and exploring around Rasoolullah, and eventually began fiddling with the birth mark of Rasoolullah, the same birth mark that was a sign of his prophecy. As any father would, Umm Khalid’s father reproached her, but Rasoolullah said to him, “leave her as she is,” turned to Umm Khalid and said, “wear and tear; wear and tear; wear and tear (‘albi wa akhlaqi’).”

Impact of giving gifts to build love among one another:

Abu Hurairah narrated, that when Rasoolullah would distribute crops, he would start with the children, give them some dates, and then he would do dua for them. Decades later, a young boy named Ishaaq enters a masjid, accompanied with his uncle. During this time, an old man entered – Sa’eb bin Yazeed. Ishaaq’s uncle instructs Ishaaq to go and ask Sa’eb if he ever saw Rasoolullah. So he goes to Sa’eb and says, “my uncle is asking, did you ever see Rasoolullah?” He responds, “I entered upon rasoolullah in the mosque with some children and he was eating dates with some companion, when he saw us, he took some dates and gave them to us” (Recorded in Tabarani). He was a kid while Rasoolullah was alive, and his most memorable moment was Rasoolullah giving him a gift.

Power positive association:

Abdullah b. Masud narrates,” Rasoolullah would go through the lines touching shoulders to make they are shoulder to shoulder.” Jabir b. Sumrah narrates, “I prayed with the rasoolullah the first prayer (dhuhr) and He was going back to his house, and I followed him. He wiped my cheek and I never smelt a fragrance more beautiful than him.”

With what is beneficial for the people, you can see how Rasoolullah created positive associations. With the youth it was hand on the cheek, but with the adult it was hand on the shoulder while they stood in line for salah. Not only it was with a touch, it was with smell of beautiful and captivating fragrance; it was sight of a beautiful man and his smile, and perhaps even sound of eloquence and beautiful recitation.

Here is another intriguing story:

At the conquest of Mecca when Bilal made Adhan on the ka’aba, some kids made fun of him while mockingly repeating what he said. But one of the boys had a beautiful voice and Rasoolullah heard that. He gathered all of those boys and told them to make the adhan. Out of fear they did. When it came Abu Mahdhura, he told others to leave.

Abu Mahdhura said, “None was more hated to me then him. He put his hand on my forehead and none was more beautiful to me that him.” (Saheeh Muslim)

Rasoolullah responds back, “Who does not show mercy does not receive mercy.”

You can interpret this statement in different dimensions, but how about reading it as, the kids will treat you, the way you treated them – without mercy?

The companions absorbed these values:

During his reign, Omar ibn Al-Khattab kissed his son in public. One of his secretaries asked in amazement, “you kissed your son and you are ameer ul-momineen?” Omar responded back, “what is my sin, if Allah has taken mercy out of you.” And Omar relieved him of his position saying, “If you can’t show mercy to your children, how will you show mercy to the people?

Most of us are ready to shine our leadership skills in public realm, but if you can’t do it at home, then what is outside the home is only a façade, lacking sincerity.

Amr bin Al-Aas asked once, “who do you love the most, ya rasoolullah?” What is intriguing is the reason for asking the question, and what is even more intriguing is the answer. Rasoolullah responded, “Aisha (his wife).” Amr said, “from the men, ya rasoolullah.” So rasoolullah responded, “her father.” Amr asked again, “then who?” Rasoolullah responded, “Umar.” Amr asked again, “then who?” Even after asking several times, Amr’s name was not mentioned.

On one incident, there were some women sitting with Rasoolullah (peace and blessings be upon him), asking him to give them more financial support, and they were raising their voices over the voice of the Prophet. At the very same time, Umar asked permission to enter. All of the women hurried behind a screen and Rasoolullah admitted Umar. Umar entered to find the Prophet smiling.

As narrated by Sa’ad b. Abi Waqqas, Umar said, “May Allah always keep you smiling, O Allah’s Messenger! Let my father and mother be sacrificed for you!”

The Prophet said, “I am astonished at these women who were with me. As soon as they heard your voice, they hastened behind a screen.” Umar said, “You have more right, that they should be afraid of you, ya Rasoolullah.” And then he (Umar) turned towards them and said, “O enemies of your souls! You are afraid of me and not of Allah’s Messenger?” The women replied, “Yes, for you are sterner and harsher than Allah’s Messenger.” (Saheeh Al-Bukhari)

Hussain, the grandson of the Rasoolullah (peace and blessings be upon him), asked his father, Alee about the Prophet’s conduct. Alee replied:

“He was always cheerful, gentle and mild. There was no rigidity or coarseness in his conduct. He was neither a faultfinder nor a boisterous person and he steered away from any kind of futile engagement.” [At-Tabarani]

Jareer Ibn Abdullah said: “I have not seen the Prophet, since I embraced Islam, without a smile on his face. I saw him smiling when he could not see me and he was smiling in my presence.” (Saheeh Bukhari) And Abdullaah Ibn Haarith said: “I never came across a person who smiled as much as the Prophet. The Prophet regarded smiling with a brother as an act of charity.” [At-Tirmidhi] No one smiles all the time if they are moody. Rasoolullah wept and he cried, but his dominating attitude was always of a smiling one.

Always wear a smile, it shows confidence, as well as, understanding. If you are unable to smile, think of a moment when you did smile, and then leverage that memory until you are in a habit. What about smiling in a serious discussion? Use your smile to create a dramatic effect. Setup with a smile, lighten the mood, and then give them the serious part. For example, smile while saying, “many stories about children are amusing.” Pause. Wipe off the smile. “But stories about battered children are frightening.”

Can it be understood from the hadeeth that Rasoolullah visited them more than once? Child needs comforting; and the child needs someone to talk about the exact theme and issue that he is thinking about. Rasoolullah was the leader of the ummah, treaties to forge, battles to organize, knowledge to impart, families to take care of; yet when he enters the presence of Abu Umayr, the most important subject matter is the what is making Abu Umayr upset.

It’s not about the bird, Rasoolullah has seen death; the theme is the person facing the issue and the impact the death of the bird had on the child. Even more fascinating is lowering your level of understanding to talk in a way understandable by the listener. True empathy was oozing out of him.

Logic dictates that you should establish trust with an individual before you can have them pay attention to you. In the practical world, it’s rarely practiced except for a few who are master sales men. The rest of the world just grabs people’s attention with something loud and flashy, but even after watching a commercial several times, one may not know what the loud noise and flashy images are calling you to do.

If you are assuming you build rapport with those who you don’t know so that you can get your point across to them, then what is missing in that understanding is that you also need to build rapport with those who you already know, and continue to enhance your relationship with them before you can effectively get your point across to them. When rapport is broken between husband and wife, no matter how hard you yell or how calmly you speak, it is hard for the significant other to understand you.

Two scenarios to consider. The obvious example: you are sitting in a meeting with an individual you absolutely don’t know. There wasn’t any rapport built, perhaps because one you walked in late and in the middle of the meeting. Even if you say something absolutely brilliant, he respects the creativity, but he still does not have any respect for you. He finds you arrogant – how can you tell? He is being defensive – not necessarily in words, but in facial expressions – in everything you have to say.

The not so obvious example to consider in building rapport: living room is a mess; you come in and tell your child to clean up. He immediately says, “no,” and continues to do what he was doing. Or a teenager wants to go to a party, but as a parent you are not sure if it’s a morally good place for the teenager to attend. Argument ensues, “you don’t let me do anything.”As a parent you simply blame it on the generation gap. It’s a “not so obvious example,” because we don’t think about building rapport with our kids. They should already know us. After all we raised them up. Right?

When the Messenger of Allah stood up on Mount As-Safa: He said, “You see, if I were to tell you that there were some horsemen in the valley planning to raid you, will you believe me?” They said, “Yes, we have never experienced any lie from you.” He wasn’t just building a rapport that very instant, he was building rapport with the people for a very long time prior to that.

What is the impact of building rapport?

What impact did Rasoolullah’s rapport have? The answers are pretty obvious – the expansion of Islam. How about the not so obvious ones? His companions were willing to sacrifice their lives, the wealth, their families, even their mother and father for him. There was instant connection not only with Raoolullah, but also Allah (subhanahu wa ta’ala). What do you think will happen when Rasoolullah says, “Abdullah, I love you. Try to pray tahajjud.” Or how well will the mission of dawah be carried out when Rasoolullah says, “O Muadh, I love you for the sake of Allah.”

Mustadrak Hakim recorded that Abdullah Ibn Abbas narrated, when Allah revealed, “O you who believe, protect yourself and your families from families from fire who fuel is men and stone,” a boy fainted in front of Allah’s Messenger. Rasoolullah put his hand on the boy’s heart and said, “O young boy say ‘there is no deity worth of worship except Allah.” The boy became conscious and said it. Rasoolullah said, “Give him the good news of Jannah.” That is for those who fear Allah, and when people connected to Rasoolullah, he uplifted the value of the society to something greater than superficial.

Be smarter: Top communicators are better thinkers than everyone else. They are better at communication because they make decision before taking action. And their reason for being better thinkers is not because they are smarter than you, but because they take the time to deliberate and contemplate before making a decision.

Communicate with ihsan. Don’t be lousy, don’t do it just to make it happen, don’t do it without caring for improvement. Plan with excellence, prepare with excellence, have excellent management, all the while doing shoora and working in a group. Make sure you have different techniques in your arsenal of effective communication. Also need to know what method people like, not what we like; try using strawberries to catch a fish.

Know what you want. Most people aren’t going anywhere in the world because they don’t know where they want to go. Their goals are usually general and too broad with too many targets. The keys are accuracy and preciseness. While accuracy would be hitting that single target; preciseness would be to aim for that target repeatedly or consistently. How do you expect to achieve anything from your communication without knowing what you really want?

Identify what are your key constraints in getting your point across effectively. Don’t blame external factors, but take complete responsibility. The reason you’re not achieving your goal is you. Ask yourself, “What is holding me back from really achieving what I have set out to achieve?” Be honest with yourself, bring your weaknesses out of your blind spot and identify them, and then deal with them. Top communicators are concerned about results. Weak communicators are concerned with pleasing means and circumstance.

Understand people’s comprehension level. Talk to the people about the things they understand. Talk at their level; don’t talk above their level or below their level. Make sense to people. Some people focus on the logical aspect of issues, while others focus on the emotional. In the realm of dawa, there is nothing in Islam that doesn’t make sense, but you have to communicate the sense in a proper manner. Whenever Allah mentions an important matter, it is mentioned in different manner, commanding it, reward for it, punishment for not doing it, the benefit of it, the harm of not implementing it.

People aren’t attuned to opinions, so when you say, “in my opinion,” or “in my point of view,” you have just created a natural barrier. If you present the same information with conviction and confidence (and ethically you know it’s true) people are more likely to accept facts.

Communicate in a way so that you make people love what you are presenting to them. If there is no attachment to the information then there is no reason for people to action on what you presented to them. Be Gentle (rafeeq) and merciful: A Man started a dialogue in the salah, and got jumped by the sahabah after salah. But when it came to Rasoolullah, “he didn’t say any bad thing, he didn’t hit me, and didn’t give me any bad look, and he just said, ‘salat is not like any other gathering you can talk in, it is for the dhikr of Allah’” The man responded, “O Allah put your mercy on me and Mohammad and not anyone else.”

Organize your message around the core: Apply focal point process to everything that you communicate. Focus on the core of the message. Expand on the core of the message with details, but always turn around, going back to the core of the message, give it a boost and then return to the details if you need to.

Leaders are nothing but concentrated and focused. Our own greatest hero was focused on a single task. And how do you stop a man like that? They offered him wealth, he refused; they offered him status, he refused; they offered him women, he refused; they offered him dominion, and he refused. No type of boycott, sanctions, torture – physical or otherwise, could stop him. Even if you were to go back and put sun on one of his hands and the moon on the other, he would not have stopped. He (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) was absolutely focused on making sure deen of Allah comes to us. So how do you stop him? You don’t, there is absolutely no way to stop him.

It’s not only about concentration, but also discrimination. It’s not just about concentrating on the achieving a single goal, also discriminating on specific things that you need to communicate in order to achieve that goal. If concentration is how to focus, discrimination is where to focus. What are the most important things to get your point across? Imagine what would have happened to the khilafa, if Umar (radhiAllahuanha) decided to be a general fighting the Persians instead of being the ameer ul-momineen. He was desiring the death of a martyr, and he acheived it by permission of Allah even though he was in Medina; but he knew what was important, and he knew where to focus.

Your focus must be mobile. The power of focus is described like power of cutting through an object with light. Light? Yes, focused light – laser. This description is incomplete. The laser has to be moving towards something in order to achieve the “cutting”, otherwise, all you would manage to do is create a pinhole. So concentration is a laser beam moving in a single straigth line towards your target (or goal, your destination). This is one of the great lessons that you can take from your deen and apply it towards every aspect of your life. You stand up in salaah, and ask for this minimum of 17 times a day. Siraat al-Mustaqeem!

Ibn Qayim (raheemullah) mentioned five things in order for the path to meet the condition of “Siraat”: (1) It is Straight. (2) It gets you to your destination. (3) It is the easiest and fastest way to reach the goal. (4) It is wide enough for people to utilize it. (5)And finally, it is specific for the goal.

The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) has further described this path (in Mustadrak Al-Hakim), that this path has two walls on either side of it; and these walls have doors with curtains covering them. So even though the path is straight, there are distractions that are put in your path, and you need to focus at the ultimate goal.

Get clarity on your goal and start focusing on a single line between where you are right now and what your goal is. Make the decision; and decision by definition is focusing and cutting yourself off from any other alternative (like those distractions/doors on the walls surrounding the path). And remember keep the path straight (short and to the point); you should be able to achieve your goal even if you don’t do a lot of actions.

Give priority to what is important. Within any message, there are always some pieces of information that are more important than others. So give priority to what is the most important to get your point across more effectively. In religion there is nothing that is not important; however, there are something that are more important than others. For example, Salah is more important than Hijab or keeping a beard. Part of justice and wisdom is to put thing where they belong and understand the good reason for doing so.

Be clear: What is clarity? Clarity is knowing exactly what you are about to say, and how you are going to go about saying it. It is essential to define the core of the message that you want to get across. Most of us communicate in a way when a shotgun is shot where pellets fly all over the place. Instead we need to be communicating like a rifleman, single bullet with a single target.

Take account of yourself. Were you able to get your point across effectively? What lessons can you learn to improve for the next round? Don’t focus on the mistakes, but focus on what you would do differently. What gets measured gets managed, and what can’t be measured, can’t be managed.

You should have the ability to think fast and you should have the ability to cut your losses fast. If a strategy is not working, don’t keep using it. Assess the effectiveness immediately, judge the facial expression, the body language, and the speech patterns of your audience and then adapt quickly and on the go.

Complacency is your enemy, and excellence is a journey. Indeed Allah has prescribed excellence on everything. Do the job with excellence and the reward will be excellent, do the job with mediocrity and that’s what you’ll get. Stop competing with unsuccessful people; excellent people compete in degrees of excellence. Do better than just good, do excellence.

The silent communication: Can you get point across just by your appearance, actions, or smile? It’s like how a girl converted to Islam because a brother gave his umbrella to her. Or how a man hung a picture of ka’aba in his office and 13 people accepted Islam. Or how someone accepts Islam when they see you praying well in public.

Powerful people impress and intimidate by saying less. Use absence or absence of your word to increase respect and honour. Just like any commodity too much circulation makes the price go down; so talk a lot less, and when you are ready, speak only what you need to say and then quit. It’s like Rasoolullah, he only spoke when it was necessary, so when he did speak, everyone paid attention; and then his statements were short, sweet and to the point – fulfilling a very specific objective.

If it ever fails that you will be held accountable for what you say in this world, you still need to worry about the hereafter. Speaking good is associated with belief in the hereafter. You know you will be accountable for what you say:

On the authority of Abu Huraira (may Allah be pleased with him), the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) said, “whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should speak good things or keep silent.” [Recorded by al-Bukhari and Muslim]

In order for effective communication, your message must be received and understood by the listener in the way that you intended that message to be understood. The barrier and obstacle to that challenge is when the receivers gets the message, they personalize it by adding their own interpretation to it.

Listening is the foundation of effective communication and entails much more than just hearing sound. Feedback must be received in order to maintain accuracy of the relay, and this requires you to be more than just a speaker, but the ears that listens and the eyes that observes.

There is noise all around us. So does the bones ringing in our ears equate to listening? Listening requires effort, it requires interpretation and processing. Effective listening is more than just listening to words, but going in the dominion of listening to thoughts, beliefs and feelings. Its empathic listening, it’s tough, and it requires lots of practice and work.

Decide to listen, force yourself to concentrate, and then use your imagination on your listeners frame of reference and point of view. Observe their level of enthusiasm, their vocal inflections, their facial expressions and the body language. What nonverbal clues are your receiving?

Ask questions to clarify and confirm that you received the intended message; but do it without interrupting. Check your speaker’s reactions and emotions to your questions or feedback. Was your feedback accurate?

This skill requires practice, and no matter how much you practice you will never reach perfection. Every person has their own biography that they live in. On top of that, each person adds their own interpretation to the biography of their life. Some of the influence factors include:

1. Difference in attitudes.
2. Difference in the level of information.
3. Difference in communication skills or styles.
4. Difference because of social systems.
5. Difference in the sensory channels: some people comprehend by listening, some by seeing, and some by doing.

The uniqueness of individuals is what requires us to be vigilant at listening. Even if you practice, and you can get good at it, but the process of listening will never become automatic, and you will always have to put in the effort. In whatever external circumstance that we find ourselves in, we should always take the responsibility of tackling the roadblocks to effective listening. So what internal obstacles can you run into:

o Emotional distance or interference: focusing only on the facts and not the feelings.
o Your expectations: Hearing what you expect to hear from others instead of what is actually said.
o Defensiveness, resistance to change, stereotype, or even automatic dismissal. For example when you say, “Our company has never done it that way.”
o Not seeking clarifications: assuming that you understand already.

Body positioning: How can you position your body to assure your listening is more effective?

1. Make eye contact. It’s more than just for demonstrating interest and attention; it’s for reading the eyes and emotions that it imparts.
2. Lean in with your body slightly. If you lean back, it makes you want to relax, while as learning forward will help you pay attention.
3. Avoid distracting movements or behaviours; like playing with something in your hand. Clear your mind and figure out how you can make your currently listening more effective.

If you were alone in the world, then okay … but you live in a community and your success is related to the quality of relationships you can build. It’s really quite obvious; in marriage you need a lover, in business you need client and vendors, and on a deserted island you need an imaginary friend.

Everyone needs a support system, and it needs to be in place before you need it. Even the Messenger of Allah sought support from his family before going public with the dawah. Once he came inside with dirt all over his head. The weak followers of Quraish had completely trashed him. His daughter, Fatima, cleans him while crying, and he responds, “Do not cry my daughter, Allah is my only protector.” And then remembering Abu Talib, he continues, “Quraish did not actually affect me until Abu Talib died.”

We are not prophets, but they were examples for us and they followed the natural course of action to reach their goal, and if we don’t follow that course we won’t accomplish anything of significance. This includes seeking help of others – whether it’s to achieve personal goals, or professional. A well developed support structure provides guidance and assistance when needed. You would often find Messenger of Allah seeking advice from companions like Abu Bakr, Umar, Saad bin Muadh, other companions, and his own wives.

A well developed support structure provides you a place to test out your thought and get reality check on complex ideas. It also provides you feedback; some people can be poor judges of their own behaviour. A well developed support structure provides emotional support; the example of Khadeeja (radheeAllahuanha) for Rasoolullah. Rasoolullah (May peace and blessings be upon him) talks about his wife, Khadeejah (radheeAllahuanhu), “She believed when people rejected, she said I was saying the truth when people were saying I was lying, when people held their money from me, she gave me all of her wealth, and Allah gave me all my children from her.” A well developed support structure challenges you to reach your potential.

Self accountability is tough, but of course not impossible. Ideally you want to build relationships that can hold you accountable, but when you don’t have those relationships or support, adapt to self accountability. When you do have those relationships, or perhaps you are working in an organization, conduct appropriate meetings that will hold you accountable. Your accountability should revolve around structured chaos with objective of solving problems and removing obstacles.

Triage reporting: Reporting should be done based on severity of the need and where the problems really are. The sessions should be around the most important goals and focusing on the obstacles that are blocking the goals from its fulfillment.

There should be openness with problems and challenges; sometimes discussing problems is like picking on a scab, but pain is not the problem itself but the relationship that you have with yourself in confronting the problems, or relationship with your coach or colleagues.

Clearing the path: the sessions should end with empowerment so that you leave energized with creative excitement. Your teammates or coach should help you out, whether it is by brainstorming solutions for the challenges or helping you “get it.” You can do that yourself as well (strategies coming soon). Working in a team environment should be clearing path for others; a task maybe hard for someone and for you it may be as easy as sitting down.

Assess your level of commitment at each accountability session. Frustration can definitely lead to rebellion. The question is how can you empower yourself so that you are leaving your accountability session with creative excitement.

To achieve results you never achieved before you need to do things you never done before. Ask yourself, “What should I do differently?” One type of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. What really ends up happening is that you don’t end up getting the results you are aiming for and you are even worse than before.

Develop massive action plan to make your goals into a reality. List everything you need to do to achieve your goals. Prioritize your list on the most important things that will have the greatest impact on the results. 20% of the list will achieve 80% of the results. What are those specific actions? Use the RPM tool.

Plan weekly and work on the biggest and most important tasks first.